It is all in the brain.....

I recently did a personality test as to which part of the brain I use.
Apparentley I am Balanced Brain!!

Initially it was "Woohoo!".

Until I read : "The down side is you may feel paralised by indecision when the two hemispheres of your brain are competing to solve a problem in their own unique ways"

Well then.

That does explain a lot.

Terror

AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhhh. What have I done? I Think about the sending off of that piece of paper, so innocent looking at the time, all full of allure and possibilities, of dreams perhaps realised at the end of this road, so far away yet, but mountainous none the less and I Think about what It means and I'm......... I'm scared shitless.

The Top of That Mountain looks so......*sigh*... I don't know. Good, natural, right, a life-long wish fulfilled. It would make me feel....so proud of myself to have gotten there, an achievement that for me is soooo great, overcoming obstacles, being stubborn, not giving up, absolutely working the hardest I have ever worked before, or probably would again.

There is a looong road yet, 6 more subjects, working very hard in the meantime to even get a grade good enough to make the quota. I could work my hardest over the next year, do the pre-requesites, get a good GPA, apply....and still not make it into the course.

Am I willing to go through this, to get to there, only to miss out? But I can try again the next year, and the next...if I want it badly enough.

But that is the key, is it Not?

To want it soooo bad, that nothing will turn you aside, knock you off the path, make one doubt one self, to think "It's not worth it" or, worse, "I'm not worth it".

I know I am worth it, But I don't know If I want it That Bad.

I hope I will find out sooner rather than later.

I need to want it That Bad, because the Path between here and the Top of That Mountain, will Be the Hardest Path I will ever take. It will take My All to get there, over such a looong Time.

The Most Difficult Thing, and the Greatest Challenge, I could ever Set Myself.

And it fills me with Terror, the thought that I just stepped, just a tiny wee baby step, onto That Road.

A Small Step...

Well, I took a deep breath, shut my eyes and posted off a form to enrol in (a different) course. This one is to gain prerequesites for another course, that which is on a pinnacle so high I can hardly fathom it. I can always not do it, (waste yet more $$$), to quit, to decide it's not right, not for me, too hard, I'm not able, too dumb, something else is better, something else is is easier, to fail, to give up, to run away and bury my head in the sand of.......averageness. Of adequacy.

Too long away to tell right now. I have to do 6 subjects in the next year if I want to start 2007, and while working full time that will be a major mountain to climb in itself. Or I can wait another year, and apply for 2008. Seems so long away, and time is ticking, life is ebbing away, another year older....hopefully wiser?

It's taken me nearly 3 months just to decide to do this course. I could see it as wasted opportunity, but what is the point in that. If I want to beat myself I should go and get a stick, and have bruises to show for it.