Terror
AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhhh. What have I done? I Think about the sending off of that piece of paper, so innocent looking at the time, all full of allure and possibilities, of dreams perhaps realised at the end of this road, so far away yet, but mountainous none the less and I Think about what It means and I'm......... I'm scared shitless.
The Top of That Mountain looks so......*sigh*... I don't know. Good, natural, right, a life-long wish fulfilled. It would make me feel....so proud of myself to have gotten there, an achievement that for me is soooo great, overcoming obstacles, being stubborn, not giving up, absolutely working the hardest I have ever worked before, or probably would again.
There is a looong road yet, 6 more subjects, working very hard in the meantime to even get a grade good enough to make the quota. I could work my hardest over the next year, do the pre-requesites, get a good GPA, apply....and still not make it into the course.
Am I willing to go through this, to get to there, only to miss out? But I can try again the next year, and the next...if I want it badly enough.
But that is the key, is it Not?
To want it soooo bad, that nothing will turn you aside, knock you off the path, make one doubt one self, to think "It's not worth it" or, worse, "I'm not worth it".
I know I am worth it, But I don't know If I want it That Bad.
I hope I will find out sooner rather than later.
I need to want it That Bad, because the Path between here and the Top of That Mountain, will Be the Hardest Path I will ever take. It will take My All to get there, over such a looong Time.
The Most Difficult Thing, and the Greatest Challenge, I could ever Set Myself.
And it fills me with Terror, the thought that I just stepped, just a tiny wee baby step, onto That Road.
The Top of That Mountain looks so......*sigh*... I don't know. Good, natural, right, a life-long wish fulfilled. It would make me feel....so proud of myself to have gotten there, an achievement that for me is soooo great, overcoming obstacles, being stubborn, not giving up, absolutely working the hardest I have ever worked before, or probably would again.
There is a looong road yet, 6 more subjects, working very hard in the meantime to even get a grade good enough to make the quota. I could work my hardest over the next year, do the pre-requesites, get a good GPA, apply....and still not make it into the course.
Am I willing to go through this, to get to there, only to miss out? But I can try again the next year, and the next...if I want it badly enough.
But that is the key, is it Not?
To want it soooo bad, that nothing will turn you aside, knock you off the path, make one doubt one self, to think "It's not worth it" or, worse, "I'm not worth it".
I know I am worth it, But I don't know If I want it That Bad.
I hope I will find out sooner rather than later.
I need to want it That Bad, because the Path between here and the Top of That Mountain, will Be the Hardest Path I will ever take. It will take My All to get there, over such a looong Time.
The Most Difficult Thing, and the Greatest Challenge, I could ever Set Myself.
And it fills me with Terror, the thought that I just stepped, just a tiny wee baby step, onto That Road.
posted by Bright Tiger | 1:56 pm
2 Comments:
You know I'd dwell on it a lot less if I were you. I mean I've hardly thought about my decision to go back to study next year, and stressing about it can lead you places you don't need to go.
Chin up, be brave and you'll get where you want to go :)
Yeah, I know that but it is easier said than done. It is my personality, the way I'm wired.
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