Funnies

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest

to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step

out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with

one hand.... and try saying things like, "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the

suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your

knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next!??"

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast
table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal"





One of life's mysteries is how a 2lbs box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.


My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.


The nice part about living in a small town is that
when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.


Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...
"You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" .....Now, I've forgotten my PIN, birthdays, and my mobile. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!


A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.




Did you know that a duck's quack has no echo?
Noone knows why.


A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle For example,
when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine
features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in
petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump
shoved up his backside.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay