Funnies

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest

to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step

out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with

one hand.... and try saying things like, "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the

suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your

knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next!??"

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast
table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal"





One of life's mysteries is how a 2lbs box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.


My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.


The nice part about living in a small town is that
when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.


Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...
"You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" .....Now, I've forgotten my PIN, birthdays, and my mobile. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!


A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.




Did you know that a duck's quack has no echo?
Noone knows why.


A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle For example,
when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine
features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in
petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump
shoved up his backside.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

Trust

(yup I stole this from my one on the board)

(Last post july: Yee Gads!!!. I suck)



Trust is a very interesting thing.

I was talking to someone the other week. I said all lightheartedly "Don't you trust me?" and they said "No, but I don't trust anyone".

And that made me feel a bit.... shocked, offended, indignant, because frankly, I am a trustworthy person. Why wouldn't they trust me? They assured me it wasn't me, that they don't even trust their parents. I'm like What the? (I've met their parents and family, and hell, I'd trust them and I don't even know them well).

Which got me thinking of the possibility of different types of trusts out there.

I was moaning I bit to my mum about the conversation, and she then accused me of not trusting people.

And I said: But the thing is, I trust people to BE WHO THEY ARE.

For example. I don't trust a Lion to be a Kitten. Or a wolf to be a sheep. Or a rottweiler with the baby. A paedophile with a young child.
I trust a Lion to be a lion, a wolf/dog to be a predator etc.

Don't trust people to do things/ be things that they are incapable of doing/being.

If you get involved with someone who you know has an eye for the ladies/cheats, then trust that he has an eye for the ladies. Don't trust that he will be faithful.
(Like in the movie Frida.)

It doesn't mean that you won't get hurt? but maybe you will less.

So, material things: I could tell my mum my PIN (i know hers, and use her card if she asks me to by something for her).

I am currently lending a hand to a friend. I have paid for a few things like their insurance, food, fuel etc. Adding up to about I probably don't want to think.

I expect to be paid back, and I trust that I will eventually. I would not give them my card details.

I do I suppose have a pre-determined limit. I am not sure what that amount is, but I'll know when I reach it.

As to those deepest darkest secrets.

I have been accused of being "still waters run deep". (I don't know if that is relevant).

I have been asked to take people "on a walk through my castle".
Apparently I have a lot of barriers up, to prevent being hurt, but thinking right now, I don't know really if that is the case. As I am getting older, things of the past really have no baring on me today, and if they do then I tell, because i do believe that things are better out in the open, all cards on the table so to speak.
That is ok with perhaps the beginning of possible relationships, but just friends? aquaintances. No I wouldn't tell, but is that becuase I don't trust, or perhaps it is because it might be none of their business.?

While I may choose to only trust my close friends with secrets, and mum with my PIN... what about the hobblings, and the www?
I wouldn't give you my PIN. Sorry guys!

But my deepest, darkest secrets? Well, some of you have read my blog ( I know i don't update it often. I suck. )
Some of my blog is very personal.
I don't mind telling things here.

But that's because on the net, the trust is supported by anonymity.

So, to summarise:

Trust appropriately.
Trust changes depending on material/emotional.
Trust can be affected by knowing someone well vs anonymity.