Still Waters.... (rant)

Why is it that when I get here I can not think of what to write? I had all these ideas laying in bed last night, and even at work today, all these things running, ranting through my little brain, all these long proses and monologues, witticisms and fascinating facts to share with the world of blog, or at least few who dare venture into the lair...... Brave souls they are, but it is those that risk much that gain much..... *nods sagely*

Still feeling under the weather, and I do really need to actually get a good night's sleep tonight, not staying up to all hours, writing, reading, conversing with unknown entities from inside this box. Apparently they are Real, just like me, but I reckon it is all in my head. Or perhaps it is I that is un-real and Them that are real...... Hmmmmm *ponders*

I have kept things rather light lately; no descending down to the depths where my heart and head flail and thrash in the gloom that is there, always there yet hidden by either circumstance, situation, diversion or denial.

Fish and cats and tigers, animals and work, that is all I can dredge up from the murky lakes. Facades. Masks of denial. If it causes pain why touch it/do it/think it. Still water runs deep. Very deep. What lies Beneath? What is the consequence of letting People see inside the castle, roam around the extensive grounds; Get lost in the mazes, and drown in the moat......

Bleurkk!, the smell for a start. All those bodies, all those lost souls. The racket would be appalling, the wails, the groans, the gasps of "How do I get out?" and "What is that thing?!".....


Nooooo.

Too dark.
Too risky.

I am not that.......dangerous..?

What am I?

I have once (twice?) been asked to take someone for a tour of the castle. I don't remember if I did or not.

Vulnerability. That which is necessery for Intimacy and relationships. To feel open and connected to others.

Is that why I am Alone and Not Connected? Because I do not like feeling vulnerable? Especially with those of the opposite sex. Yet i also get on with them quite well in general. To a point. Til even those that profess friendship want nothing more to do with me. Hmmm. Only the once though.

So I have asked when I would like to go out again. I will most likely say this weekend. And I will stilll have no clue as to whether I actually want to... I never know.
Is it the Left Brain/Right Brain thing? My heart and head locked in an epic battle til trumpets sound..... It's too tiring. I hope not. But the lines on my palm, those lines so unique, always a mystery... damn, I forget what that guy in India said of them, but the latest is the War of the Heart and Head. And he doesn't even know me.

So. Why do I not know?
Is it:
Because it is not the right one, and I will know when it is, or
I am in denial of either fact, cos I don't want to know, or
Am i just completely crazy, or
Do i not find him attractive, or
Do i not find men attractive, or
Is the Fool the only one and noone will ever measure up, or
It would be cool, except about the smoking, or
It is the wrong time, or
I am not ready, or.....

All of the above or none of the above.

I nearly called it off. Not really nearly, but it did cross my mind. Because it messes me up so much, the anxiety, the not knowing, the fog which envelopes the brain. Crippling. But the theory is to meet people. Just meet people, 'get my numbers up', find out what is out there, who is out there, what my options are, what I like and what I dislike. Find friends, see what works, see who I want to see again.... *trip*.

Stone.

Complete stone. Not ice. My heart is not Ice, ice that needs melting, but Stone that needs cracking open.

But who?
And when..?

And in the meantime...? What do I do? What shall I say?
This stoney heart of mine....

Tigers are solitary creatures, only come together for mating or in a mother/cub situation.
Hmmm.

How much of the tiger have I taken on? Well, since there is none of that going on, and with none of that there can be none of that either........

Well, I suppose Pangur is my Baby, a little tiger she is too. Bright Pangur, heart of my heart. We two pitched against the trials, just the two of us. Heheheheh a Mini-me. Together, with the help of my minions, we shall take over the world, and so gain my world domination badge, without stealing it....

But I digress.....

Deny everything, but it doesn't solve the problem.