Blackness, Badness, Unanswerable Q's (rant)

Well, a shit week all up really. 'Twould be good to blame it on something beyond my control, but as of yet there is no evidence to support said query, so perhaps I was actually unhappy.

Badness, badness all round, mood black than something really black I can't be bothered being overly poetical atm. 'Twould have been better writing at the time, but I don't come on the net too often.

Work, work, work. The frustration, the rage, the anger, the irritableness, the annoyance, the angst, the scream, the unappreciated, the flight or fight, the blood pressure, the grey hairs, and the reduced life expectancy, the stress, the need to not be there or here, and how attractive is the truck on a main road just outside.... no not really. I cannot describe it very well. Needless to say I was mightilly unhappy.

Two point five whole miserable days.

I hate it. Hate work atm, hate the people, the boss is really, really irritating me. Really irritating. The computer stuff at work is irritating me. Really irritating. On countless occasions I had to tell myself to breathe just breathe in out in out in out. Blowing the air through my clenched teeth and pursed lips, reduce the pressure, reduce the pressure. Too young sweetheart for that and nor are they worth it.

So easy to cry, easier to scream, and let thy clenched fists fall, and fingers close upon thy pretty throat. Wanted to run away, just get up leave, and start running... no, i'd walk, i'd get further like that, just walk, left foot right foot, up and down, step step step, away from it, from here from there, straight line away.

No, I stayed. Enough of me is professional enough not to. Just breathe in breathe out, breathe, calm down, breathe. Check the clock, how long 'til finish time? Not long just breathe......

And so the Questions arise again. What am i doing, if i don't like it then change, what else would i do instead, what would make me happy... endless stupid unanswerable Q's.

I could change jobs, go back to study, move overseas, work overseas, join the foriegn legion, volunteer. Could I take the plunge, take a risk? Could I leave my comfort zone, could I leave my work, could I leave my mum, my Pangur, my fishies?

It's scary out there.
The big bad world.
Why was it always called that? When one is growing up they always say the big bad world, to face it to survive in it... Is that really a healthy way to represent life to the young? No. Why make it scary, why make it bad? Everyone seems to need to put down, not lift up, warn and scare not support and nurture.

So support me oh life and tell me the key to life and to Myself, the one that needs to be unlocked so the world and the answers behind can be revealed. My head is hurting from hitting it against the brick wall.

Action. Take.

So what to do? No answers yet, My Dear.

I told a friend i don't know what i'm supposed to do. he said not supposed to, but want to do Want to do. But I already knew that. Make the change with what ones wants to do , he asked me that i said i don't know. I do not know still. I have never known.

I think on one thing. I doubt myself, my abilities, my talents. Example. I have always loved animals. I have always been the animal lover, through primay school, high school, ask who loved animals, they would say me. I get out into the world, I do not work with animals, couldn't do what i had often said I wanted. Another direction I head, another love. But i see others now, who Also love animals. They work with animals. There are people in zoos, there are people who help, who teach the animals, who save the animals. They proclaim "I love animals". But it is I who love animals, i was always the animal lover. But I did not work with them. And so the doubts set in: perhaps i don't love animals as much as they do, perhaps they love them more, maybe the thing I always said was me is not really me at all.

Self Doubt. Crippling. Confusing.

What else do I have to call my own?
Am I not Unique? Are any of us really Unique?
And maybe what I thought was special is not. Not one in a million, but one of a million.

Work with animals. Quite hard to do. Not very many opportunities. Much competition from all the other animal lovers out there. And do I really want to do that though? Think of the otters is the phrase meant to help me through the studies. But what happens at the end of it all? where do I go from there? Can I survive doing that?

They say one must put in effort and hard work to get where one wants to go, but is 6 years of misery worth a goal that hasn't been established as making one happy? Isn't it the journey not the destination that counts, that makes one happy. Destination is fleeting, the journey is forever.

At the moment the journey is making me unhappy, I must smell the roses, but I feel as though i am wasting time by doing that.

And, going back to the whole work thing, Oh look at that, it is sunday, and tomorrow i will have to go to work again. Another week of misery, of anger, of rage, of sadness. I hope not. It is rather exhausting.
I did get happy on thursday afternoon, when someone gave me a bottle of red wine. It made me so happy. Unseemly happy. My moods swing so far and so fast.

One thing I did proactive this week: As I was so unhappy last semester with uni, I have yet to enrol, and I decided that this semester, I would make a change. Switch sides of the brain. Instead of science I would do art. So i enrolled in a night class, back to my old love, my old world; it is a beginner level, but it will be fun, as it will get me back into it, get me the use of some facilities, and the teacher is a family friend and he'll let me do whatever i want. So long in saying 'i should do some art', but i don't make the time, so in enrolling in a class I have a scheduled time each week where i have the opportunity to create, and remember my other love. I am also investigating where I can do painting classes as well. Mum is pleased, she says she misses my art. Another leveller, another doubt however: the art exhibit i went to the other week showcased a number of artists (one of whom is my new art teacher), several of whom were my peers in college, I exhibited with them, they exhibited with me and now they are successful artist, and me I am stuck in a job, but at least I can eat, and pay my rent, but so can they now. I could be where they are, (maybe). But I am not.
Don't get me wrong, work has actually been good, it has given me Life experience, work experience, it has been character building, i have met heaps of people, heaps of contacts, it has kept me fed and clothed and housed for the last 4 years. And it has payed for 3 overseas trips(my other other love), to places where i have always dreamed of going, and doing things that Ii always dreamed of. I have been able to tick many things on my Life's To Do list. So work is not all bad. But I am getting toey now. Funny, the friend/artist whom i exhibited with and whose stuff i bought for my collection said she did the job thing, she worked, but you'll always go back to art. She did, and I will. Full Circle. One day.
Itchy feet, time to move on. But where......???????

And meanwhile, I sit and think. The world, my life, passing me by, as I sit and think, and ponder.

And tomorrow I'll have to work. Again.
*sigh*